Aaaarrrrgggghhhh

The end is so close I think I might be sick.  There is only one day to go.

But I still haven't finished.

I have never been so late with an assessment in my life.  All through Glasgow Uni I used to think that the people who had to pull an all nighter to get an essay finished should have just bloody well started earlier.

I would like to apologise to every single person who might come into that category.

I started this thing months ago and I've been working flat out.  Even on holiday I didn't have a long lie - ever.  I took a ton of books with me and I spent every morning from about half seven until everyone else got up reading and taking notes - and I still haven't finished.

Tomorrow I need to write my forward chapter breakdown and tie up loose ends - easy!  Em - I really don't think so.

The boys (Dougal and Ross) have been in Athens for the last couple of days.  For supporting Motherwell read having a fucking brilliant time in 35 degrees heat and drinking beer.  But, it's just as well I've had the house to myself - I think I might have committed  murder otherwise.

Last night Ross's girlfriend Megan and I read what I'd written and highlighted the corrections I needed to make.  I drove her home at quarter to one - came home and worked on it till twenty past two and woke up at half past six.  Got up, started working at quarter to seven and was still at it until eight o'clock.  And that was just the corrections. What am I doing wrong?  Is anyone else going through this torture.

And guess what?  I think I might fail. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (maniacal laugh)

WHERE IS MY WINE?????

positive (in very small letters)

Today I had my very last supervision session.  No one has any idea how much I was dreading it - even those I had told over and over again.  But, it wasn't too bad.  In fact, I'd go as far as to say it was good - eventually.

I'd taken plenty of hankies with me because I feared the worst.  I knew that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop.  I was close at one point - my wee lip was beginning to quiver.  It was when Sam asked me how I felt about how I was doing I knew she had an agenda.  I was honest.  I told her I felt sick and was so worried it was making me ill.  She didn't say there, there now, you'll be fine.  She said she felt I'd slipped back from the D1 I'd got for my last assessment and she wasn't sure I fully understood what CNF was.  I totally agreed with her.

But, when we started talking about what she felt was going wrong and how I could put it right the meeting became quite positive.  She helped me to get back to my purpose for writing it, helped sort out the structure and said what I'd written for her was good.  Once I knew she liked what I'd done I began to think I could do this.  I've lost so much confidence in myself over the last couple of months.

She told me I should take a couple of days off and start again on Sunday, even Monday.

WHAT?  Is she mad?  I did relax a bit today because I felt I covered a lot of ground at the session but I need to get straight back onto it tomorrow morning.

I've bought an old, odd roll of wallpaper and glue.  There's not going to be any screen cutting and pasting for me.  I'm doing it for real. With scissors and everything.  The walls are going to be plastered and once I feel I've got the order correct I'll start typing it up.  It might even be good fun - something I've not had for a while.  No doubt photos will be taken.

I still feel I have a couple of things to add but I'm probably over my word limit now so they'll just need to come later on in the book.  Once I'm happy with it I need to re-write and edit it.  It'll take ages.  I reckon I'm going to be still doing it on Thursday.

But if that's what it takes - that's what it takes.

Just six more days - and that's it.  This time next Friday I might not be conscious.  Just saying.

Tears

It had to happen.  There was no way I was going to get through this experience without blubbing like a baby at least a couple of times.  It started the other day and there will be more.

It's all going a bit wrong and I only have about a week to fix it.  I think the major problem is it looks like I don't really know what Creative Non-fiction actually is.  And when you're writing a Creative Non-fiction project that's a bit of a biggie.  I need to be realistic here and prepare myself for the fact that failure is a distinct possibility.  And before anyone reminds me I have to think positively, I'm trying but I'm also being realistic.

I will try my hardest not to fail - I can't think of anything worse.  I got through four years at Glasgow Uni and came out with a 2:1 ( I keep reminding myself of this) but this, for me, has been a lot tougher.

I think my plan has to be,

1. Sort out the structure.
2. Re-write it;- I need to cut a lot out and replace it with a lot more description.  I need to take the reader on a journey, and I need to lose a lot of the 'I'.  While all the time watching out for bad punctuation and repetition.

Sorted.

Hello August - something tells me you're going to be a total bitch.

I think I'd better go and get on with it now - before I start blubbing again..

The Big Countdown

Ten days to go.  Well, there's a wee bit longer but I'm giving myself ten days to get everything down on paper, put into some sort of order, re-written and printed out.  It's not long.  For the first time in my life I might find myself pulling a couple of all nighters.  And if that happens, God help anyone who crosses me.  I need my sleep - without it I'm not responsible for my actions.

This makes me sound like big, bad Anne.  In reality if anyone crosses me I'm more likely to just start crying uncontrollably.  I think the crying might be harder to deal with.

I had a serious wobble the other day.  I started writing about Lipton as if he was a character I could speak to and he replied.  It's quite a nice literary device for a short story but I began to think he sounded like a ghost.  I couldn't imagine writing 20,000 let alone a book like this so I stopped.  Okay - I had a mad panic about it before I stopped, calling people and almost crying but it's sorted now - with some good advice and a lot of wine.

The good thing which came out of it was I think it the prose is a bit lighter and less informationy and it freed my style up a bit.  It now seems a wee bit more interesting - hopefully.

My big problem is still the structure - how I'm going to link it all together into one cohesive whole.  I think it's time to do one of my narrative mapping things to see how it's panning out.  By doing this I can see where the first and third person narration is coming.  It's quite useful. And if that doesn't help I might need to just print it all out and stick it on the walls.  That'll be fun.

I've noticed I haven't give you a Lipton fact recently.  Well did you know the confirmed bachelor was actually married and had a couple of kids?  He kept them quiet.  Oh, and he was meant to be gay.  The marriage and kids can be verified but the gay part can't

Oh God - look at the time.

I'd better get on with it.  Only nine and a half days to go.

Two weeks to go.

I am so confused about this Major project.  My feelings and emotions are all over the place.

I know that sounds a bit dramatic but it's true.  One minute I feel that I can't carry on - that it's all absolute shit and the next I get an idea and things are looking up  Then I try the idea and it's all shit again.

At the moment things are looking up - a bit.  I've been struggling about how to write something historical without making it too dry but I don't know if I have the confidence to do it.  What I do know is that if I write it the way I have been doing Sam and David will probably rip it to shreds.  So, I probably should take the chance and go for it.

I just wish I could get something either Sam or David said out of my head when classes finished.  They were giving us a pep talk to get us in the mood for starting.  There was 77 days to go.  I remember that because it was written in big letters on the board.  77 days.  No problem - that was plenty of time, wasn't it? NO is the answer to that one.  No is is not.

Anyway, what one of them said was just because we had paid a lot of money to be on the course didn't mean we automatically got an MA.  If the work isn't good enough we will fail.

I never thought for a moment I was buying an MA.  I have worked so hard for this.  I don't think I've ever tackled anything so difficult - even my first degree.  But to hear someone say that?  It was  a huge slap around the head which still stings.

There's only 2 weeks to go to hand in day.  I've now written about 19,555 words but I still need to inject some style into it - something to make it bounce and not lie on the floor like a burst balloon.  And that's the hard part.

Ok - I've had my moan for the day.  Well, for the hour at least.

Angels

Angels do exist.  I have proof.

I'm going to hold their identity back for the moment but I will say I have been helped enormously by someone.    

They really have helped me sort out how I should approach my Major Project, made me think a bit clearer and have pointed out a lot which is wrong with it.  And I have to say it's a lot.

My initial reaction was AAAGGGHHH and I went into a bit of a blind panic.  But when I calmed down I could see that what I'd written was lifeless and boring.  There was too much information and not enough creativity.

Because of their advice I'm now dramatising a lot more and actually creating a bit of a story as well as getting in the historical stuff.  Oh God I hope I'm doing the right thing.

One problem is that because I'm writing more dialogue my word count is beginning to creep up.  This means a lot of other stuff needs to left behind for the purposes of MP.  But, what I'm suppose to be doing is writing the first 20,000 words of a book.  So, that's ok, isn't it?  It just means I need to be selective and get the structure right.  The other stuff won't be marked, but it's not lost.

I'm now around 18,300 words and still have some major stuff to write about.  I know I can go 10 percent over and 1,000 words needs to be kept aside for a continuing chapter breakdown so I reckon I still have about 2,700 words to play with.


It should be okay but I better be careful.  I suppose it's better to have too many than too few.

Help.

What am I doing?  How have I got myself into this position?  I can't believe I've reached this point and have still got so much to do.

I woke up in a sweat this morning because my dream was horrendous.

I was walking towards the boxes where we put our assessments.  I had my major project all sorted and it was looking good - I was even happy with what I'd written.  Loads of people were hanging around, putting their assessments into the boxes and cheering and hugging as they did.  When it came to my turn, just as I was posting it into the box, it started to fade.  After a couple of seconds it was gone.  No one else noticed - only me.  I was panicking and crying and running around asking everyone if they knew where my assessment had gone.  They were all just looking at me and walking away.

It was absolutely horrible.  When I woke up I was exhausted.

This is what Major Project is doing to me.

Part of the problem is that I've ground to a halt.  I'm stuck in a rut and as a result I'm panicking myself into total inactivity.

Hopefully by my next blog I'll have got over whatever it is which is holding me back.  The last thing I want is to have another dream like last nights'.

On a lighter note here is the Lipton fact of the day.

Did you know that Lipton was the first businessman to use a sporting event to advertise a product?