positive (in very small letters)

Today I had my very last supervision session.  No one has any idea how much I was dreading it - even those I had told over and over again.  But, it wasn't too bad.  In fact, I'd go as far as to say it was good - eventually.

I'd taken plenty of hankies with me because I feared the worst.  I knew that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop.  I was close at one point - my wee lip was beginning to quiver.  It was when Sam asked me how I felt about how I was doing I knew she had an agenda.  I was honest.  I told her I felt sick and was so worried it was making me ill.  She didn't say there, there now, you'll be fine.  She said she felt I'd slipped back from the D1 I'd got for my last assessment and she wasn't sure I fully understood what CNF was.  I totally agreed with her.

But, when we started talking about what she felt was going wrong and how I could put it right the meeting became quite positive.  She helped me to get back to my purpose for writing it, helped sort out the structure and said what I'd written for her was good.  Once I knew she liked what I'd done I began to think I could do this.  I've lost so much confidence in myself over the last couple of months.

She told me I should take a couple of days off and start again on Sunday, even Monday.

WHAT?  Is she mad?  I did relax a bit today because I felt I covered a lot of ground at the session but I need to get straight back onto it tomorrow morning.

I've bought an old, odd roll of wallpaper and glue.  There's not going to be any screen cutting and pasting for me.  I'm doing it for real. With scissors and everything.  The walls are going to be plastered and once I feel I've got the order correct I'll start typing it up.  It might even be good fun - something I've not had for a while.  No doubt photos will be taken.

I still feel I have a couple of things to add but I'm probably over my word limit now so they'll just need to come later on in the book.  Once I'm happy with it I need to re-write and edit it.  It'll take ages.  I reckon I'm going to be still doing it on Thursday.

But if that's what it takes - that's what it takes.

Just six more days - and that's it.  This time next Friday I might not be conscious.  Just saying.